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Welcome to Episode 24 of the Rescued by Dragons podcast, Tales of the Brunch Club: A fantasy fiction podcast inspired by a weekly home brew Dungeons and Dragons campaign.
My name is Anna Flemke and joined this campaign as Salys Garrick, a brave gnome sorceress who seeks the knowledge to tame her newfound wild magic.
I invite you to picture yourself in a cozy, torch-lit tavern, ale in hand, gathered around a table with your closest comrades, waiting to hear the next chapter in the tales of… The Brunch Club.
But first, a quick recap of our previous episode…
The Brunch Club used forty pounds of beef jerky to lure the giant off its high ground, but the giant never took the bait. However a Chimera, three Gryphons, and eight flying lizards did. During the fight with the creatures, Salys’s wild magic surged twice, instantly aging her eight years each time. The next day they found the two hill giants below a ridge. They killed them, but one of the giant’s heads was obliterated in the battle. Because they could no longer use the head as proof they killed both giants, they decided to cut off the giants’ penises in hopes that would be enough to convince Captain Pernold to give them the bounty.
Episode 24 “Sassy Thunderbush”
The Brunch Club approached the gates of Elnor well after dark. The sentires asked them their business and what their names were. They told them they were working for the Selsuns and had rooms at the Rampant Wizard Inn, then each gave their names. When it was Salys’s turn she surprised her friends by telling the guards her name was ‘Sassy Thunderbush.’
“Sassy Thunderbush?” Drusilla asked when they were out of earshot of the town gates.
Salys shrugged, “Why should I give those guys my name? It’s none of their business,” the gnome said.
“Damn straight, girl.” agreed Diesa.
The next morning, after brunch, they went straight to the Selsuns’ headquarters to collect the bounty on the Hill Giants.
“I believe you owe us four-thousand gold,” Salys told Captain Pernold as they walked into his office.
The mercenary captain looked up from his desk and smiled at them. “I believe you owe me two hill giant heads first,” he replied.
Vorjhon reached his hand into the bag of colding and pictured the giant’s severed head in his mind. He felt it materialize in the bottom of the bag. He grabbed a handful of hair and lifted the head out, placing it in the center of the large table Pernold used as his desk.
Vorjhon pictured the teeth they salvaged from the obliterated head. He scooped them up and poured them onto the table.
The captain looked at the large molars and incisors and gave the group a questioning look. “What’s this?” He asked them.
“That one’s head got kinda squished,” Salys explained, pointing to the large teeth. “That’s what’s left.”
Captain Pernold stood up, pried open the giant’s mouth and frowned. “This one doesn’t have all his teeth,” he said, turning it around toward them, its mouth still open. “How do I know you didn’t take those teeth from this head?”
“Gods. We should have thought about that,” Drusilla said.
“Good thing we thought about those other things,” said Elora.
“What other things?” Pernold asked, his voice mixed with trepidation and curiosity.
Vorjhon placed the bag of colding on the captain’s table. “If you could, please,” he said, indicating the top of the bag.
Pernold reached across the table and held the bag open while Vorjhon reached in with both arms. The dragonborn’s large hands barely reached around the circumference of the hill giant’s penis. He withdrew it from the bag and placed it on the table. It stood upright, longer than a human arm.
Vorjhon reached back into the bag and withdrew the second penis. He placed it on its end next to the other one. It balanced upright for a moment before toppling over across the paperwork strewn about the table.
Pernold handed the bag back to Vorjhon and sat down in his chair. He stared at the grotesque, pale phalluses that were on his desk. He laughed a lengthy, loud, genuine laugh. “Okay,” he said after his laughter subsided. “That’s more than enough proof.”
The captain called one of his guards over and handed him a piece of paper. The guard left and returned with a cloth bag filled with coins. Pernold placed them on the table. Salys gleefully grabbed the bag. Pernold interrupted them when they turned to leave. “You can take those with you,” he said, gesturing at the giant phalli.
“What are we supposed to do with a couple hill giant dicks?” asked Diesa.
“Not my concern,” Pernold said.
Four thousand gold, and two giant penises richer, The Brunch Club left the Selsuns’ headquarters. They walked back to the Rampant Wizard so they could count the bounty and divide it up in private. Salys and Drusilla counted out 5 piles of 800 gold each.
Vorjhon took a few coins off the top of his pile and slid the remainder toward Diesa. “We haven’t many opportunity to help people lately,” Vorjhon told her. “I would like to help your family.”
Diesa scooped her pile into her bag without touching Vorjhon’s. “I don’t need your charity, Paladin,” she said coldly.
Vorjhon looked hurt, and stammered for a moment, taken aback by the rogue’s refusal. “It not charity for you. For your family.”
“Keep your coin,” Diesa said. “I’ll take care of my family my way.”
“I’ll take your share,” said Salys, cheerfully.
Vorjhon shrugged and sighed, resigned to the dwarf’s refusal, and took his remaining share off the table.
“What should we do with the dicks in the bag?” asked Elora as she pocketed her share of coin.
“We could sell them,” Drusilla offered.
“Who on Twell would buy those?” exclaimed Vorjhon, surprised at the suggestion.
“Oh, you’d be surprised,” said Salys.
“We could get them stuffed,” mused Elora. “Mount them as trophies in the lighthouse.”
They thought about that idea for a few minutes, but Salys insisted they at least try to sell them to a local alchemist. “I hear they’re used in some love potions, and… other stuff.”
“What other stuff?” Vorjhon asked.
“The weird stuff.” answered Salys.
They had only walked a few feet from the Rampant Wizard Inn, when a finely dressed courier ran up to them. He held up an envelope and bowed before the black-clad, silver-haired cleric. “Are you Drusilla Galanoodle of An’Allara?” he asked.
“That depends on who’s asking,” Drusilla answered.
“Lady Eloise Tiroll, ma’am,” he answered, gesturing for her to take the envelope.
Drusilla did. She opened it and read it out loud. “The widow Lady Eloise Tiroll cordially invites you and your guests to attend a gala tomorrow evening celebrating her reintroduction into society after the appropriate period of morning.”
“May I tell her you will be attending?” the courier asked, then waited expectantly for an answer.
“How does the Lady Tiroll even know who I am?” Drusilla inquired.
The courier smiled. “She knows a great many things.”
“I’m sorry,” Drusilla told him, “Please thank her for the invitation, but we did not travel with appropriate dress for such a formal occasion. Do congratulate her on our behalf though.”
“Ah yes,” replied the courier, “she assumed that might be the case. She says she realizes that adventurers such as yourselves travel light, and your armor will be acceptable. She also hopes you will share tales of your adventures with her guests.”
“A party in high places,” said Elora. “Sounds like it might be fun.”
“We might meet influential people who could help with access to library,” pointed out Vorjhon.
“They’ll have free food and booze,” said Salys.
Drusilla smiled at the courier. “Please tell Lady Tiroll that Drusilla Galanoodle and the The Brunch Club look forward to meeting her. She handed the courier a silver coin and said, “For your troubles, my good man.”
“Thank you,” he smiled as he backed away, bowed respectfully, then walked briskly down the street.
They stood quietly while Drusilla reread the invitation.
“What good fortune!” Vorjhon said optimistically.
“It feels weird,” said Elora.
“It does,” agreed Drusilla Galanoodle of An’Allara. “I think we should try and find out about the Widow Tiroll before the party.”
“I agree,” said Salys. “But first, let’s go try and sell some giant peen!”
The Brunch Club left their inn in the Granite district and headed to the Quartz District where they hoped they could get a better price for the two items they wished to sell. They wandered around for a few minutes before finding an alchemist’s shop. They entered. It was a strange smelling place. Odors of all kinds wafted through the air. For brief moments they could pick out individual odors, some pleasant, some not so pleasant. Mostly the smell of the place was sour and musty.
A human woman with messy brown hair sat behind a long table. The surface of the table not covered in beakers and bottles and bowls, was covered in a fascinating variety of stains.
“Can I help you?” the woman asked. When she looked up at them, they noticed she had one blue eye and one green eye.
“We have a pair of, um… ingredients we’d like to sell,” said Salys, smiling at her.
Vorjhon held up the bag and also smiled.
The alchemist smiled back. “I don’t mean to be rude, but is it a rare ingredient? You have no idea how many people come in here trying to sell me a funny looking mushroom, or a cow’s eye claiming they got it from a basilisk.”
“A cow eye is too small for a basilisk,” said Elora in a clinical tone of voice.
The alchemist looked at her for a moment then back at Salys. “What have you got?” she asked, curiosity now evident in her voice.
“Hill giant dicks,” said the gnome, “two of them. In pristine condition!”
The alchemist laughed in much the same way Pernold did earlier. “I’m sorry,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes. “You guys almost had me there. I’d be mad at you for wasting my time, but that was the best laugh I’ve had in a month. You’d need a way bigger bag for one, let alone two.”
Vorjhon placed the bag on another, emptier table. “It bag of colding,” he told her in a slow, serious tone. “And I never lie.”
He reached in the bag and deposited both of the specimens on the table.
“They’ve been in the bag of colding since there were, um… harvested,” said Drusilla.
The alchemist’s dual-colored eyes widened with astonishment. She walked to the table and inspected the prizes closely.
“I’m sorry I doubted you,” she stammered. “I’ve never seen them in their raw state. Where did you get them?”
“From a couple hill giants.” said Diesa.
“Right, right, nevermind that,” the alchemist said. “I can give you three-hundred and fifty gold each for them.
Salys haggled briefly and talked her up to 400 gold each, plus a free magic item identification.
After the alchemist agreed to the terms, Salys handed her the second Scroll of Find Familiar they had bought from Elnor’s black market. “I need you to tell me if this is a fake.”
The alchemist inspected it closely. She stared at it, focusing her gaze on it for a few moments then handed it back to the gnome. “I’m sorry, it’s fake,” she said. “I hope you didn’t pay too much for it.”
Vorjhon shot Diesa a smug, self-satisfied look.
Diesa shrugged. “What? At least one of them worked.”
Upon leaving the alchemist’s shop, they decided to celebrate their profitable day with lunch and wine. They entered the first tavern they came across. While enjoying their food and libations, Drusilla mentioned they should bring a hostess gift with them to the gala to thank Lady Tiroll for inviting them.
“What for?” said Diesa, gulping wine directly from a jug while leaning back in her chair with her feet on the corner of the table. “She should thank us for showing up. Sounds like she wants us to be the entertainment.”
“It’s considered polite,” explained Drusilla.
“Fine, whatever,” Diesa relented as she took another big gulp of wine.
“We passed a jeweler’s on the way here,” said Elora. “We could look there.”
A sarcastic, “Yay! Let’s spend our hard earned gold on a rich bitch we don’t know,” echoed into the empty wine jug Diesa held above her mouth. She tilted back further in her chair to get every last drop of wine before toppling over backwards.
“A master of stealth and subterfuge,” Vorjhon muttered to the others.
Elora guided them to the jeweler’s shop. The sign above the door said, “I Don’t Karat All.”
“Heh. That’s funny,” said Salys.
They entered the shop. It was immaculate, especially compared to the alchemist’s shop. The tables, chairs, display cases, and counter at the back were all smaller and lower to the ground than the other shops they’d been in. Behind the counter sat an older looking gnome. She had straight black hair that hung over her ears, but was cut into bangs above her eyes. She wore large round glasses with thick rims.
“Can I help you?” she asked without looking up, distracted by her work.
“We’re looking for a hostess gift for a party tomorrow night,” Drusilla explained. “We don’t know her though, so I’m not sure what she’d like.”
“Everyone loves jewelry!” The woman said, finally looking at them.
“I was hoping for something a little more unusual,” the cleric explained.
“Wait a second!” Vorjhon interrupted. “We have necklace we found. We could give her that.”
“Whoa there, big guy,” said Salys. “Let’s find out how much it’s worth before we just give it away.”
Vorjhon agreed, retrieved the necklace from the bag, and handed it to the jeweler. The woman stood up and shouted through a doorway behind her. “Norman! Come out here!”
A younger looking gnome emerged through the door. He had a round face, kind eyes, and long orange hair that stood straight up from his head like wheat.
“Yes Grandma?” he said in a soft voice.
“Watch the store while I appraise something.” She disappeared into the back room.
Salys walked right up to him, “Hi Norman,” she said. “I like your hair.”
Norman hesitated, trying to think of something to say. He seemed distracted by Salys’s sudden compliment. “Um, thank you. I like your, um, eyes. They’re so green.”
“Thank you, Norman,” she smiled.
“My friends call me ‘Tuft,’” said Norman.
“Can I call you ‘Tuft’?” Salys asked.
“Sure.” Tuft replied.
“So that means we’re friends then, doesn’t it?” said Salys, holding out her hand.
Tuft took it shyly and returned her handshake.
“Salys wants to bone Tuuuuft,” sang Diesa from the doorjamb she was leaning up against to keep herself from swaying.
Tuft’s cheek’s turned crimson and he looked extremely uncomfortable.
“Norman,” Drusilla said in a kind voice. “I’m looking for a gift. Something unusual. Maybe something with a story behind it.”
Tuft suddenly looked less uncomfortable and walked to one of the display cases. “We have just the thing.” He handed her a dagger. It had a dark iron blade that was almost black. The pommel was made of hematite, and the handle looked to be made of obsidian. The beautiful, monochromatic dagger matched Drusilla’s armor perfectly. “It’s called ‘King’s Bane,’ he told her. “Supposedly an assassin calling himself the Mottled Shadow used it to kill a king of Drazan centuries ago.”
“Sounds perfect,” Drusilla said. “How much is it?”
“A thousand gold,” replied Norman.
“It no longer sounds perfect,” said Elora.
“What about jade statue of elven woman from lighthouse?” Vorjhon asked.
They all looked at him. He explained, “It perfect gift. It made of jade. It beautiful. And it sculpture of woman who died, became banshee, and haunted a lighthouse until we killed her.”
“That is a pretty good story,” Norman said.
“Thank you, Tuft,” said Vorjhon.
Norman’s grandmother returned and handed them the necklace. “I think you could get at least two-thousand gold if you found the right buyer,” she told them. “It would certainly be an extravagant hostess gift.”
“Jade statue it is!” exclaimed Diesa from the doorway.
“How much for the appraisal?” Vorjhon asked.
Before the woman could answer, Norman blurted out, “It’s on the house!”
His grandmother looked at him with an annoyed expression on her face. Then she noticed the way her grandson was looking at Salys. Her expression softened. “Yes,” she said “It’s on the house.”
“On the house!” Diesa shouted.
As they were leaving, Salys turned back to Norman. “Wanna grab a drink tonight?”
“Uh, sure, yeah!” Tuft said.
“Great!” said Salys. “Elfsong Tavern. Eight O’clock. Nice to meet you Norman’s Grandma!” she added.
“My name is Nedna,” the grandmother replied. “Come back any time.”
When they exited the jewelry store Diesa suddenly burst out laughing. “‘I Don’t Karat All!’ Ha ha ha ha! I get it!”
Elora and Drusilla grabbed the drunk rogue by the arms and pulled her along between them. They hadn’t gone very far when Drusilla stopped suddenly and said, “Wait.”
“What’s up?” Elora asked.
Drusilla pointed at the sign above the door they stopped in front of. It read, ‘Puddle Rocks Spa.’
“We’ve got a few hours to kill,” said Drusilla. “And we do have to get cleaned up for tomorrow.”
All four women looked at each other and screamed excitedly at the same time, “Spa day!”
“Spa day?” asked Vorjhon as they pushed him through the door.
This tale will continue next week in Episode 25
Episode 24 was written by Dominic White and based upon a Dungeons and Dragons campaign created by our dungeon master, Brian Messmer.
Valuable contributions to the story were added by the role playing of:
- Bethany Powers, who plays Diessa
- JP Black, who plays Drusilla
- Liz Raychard, who plays Elora
- Anna Flemke, who plays Salys
- Dominic White, who plays Vorjhon
- And Brian Messmer, who plays everyone else
Thank you very much for listening Please join us next week to find out, along with the rest of us, what‘s going to happen next!